Gregg Tyler Milligan

I Am

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I am weary without you.
I watch for warm eyes upon my cool heart,
To listen for the call home like an unexpected poem
That can steal a single tear unnoticed
Until it falls against my cheek.

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I am lonely without you.
Hoping for a light that wraps itself around me in a dream
Where a child giggles and swims a blue-green ocean
Underneath a sky lit with a moon so full –
As if it has swallowed every star in Heaven.

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I am nothing without you.
Slipping away without and within the right words and the wrong patterns.
Chancing at faith and meaningful errors against will and worship.
My hands reach for you like injured birds looking for a nest to roost.

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I am only for you.
In this place of thorn and briar, I still – from time to time,
Travel a patch of flowers and within it – I find my rose.

I have spent my life waiting and will spend the rest of it listening –
For You to say my name.

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Footnote: The Process of Writing the Poem "I Am"

The Process of Writing the Poem "I Am"

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In 1998, I began sketching the framework of a poem that would take me on a fifteen-year journey of emotional highs and lows. This journey, driven by a profound personal need to express the tumultuous emotions that had come to define my life, began with grief, loss, and the relentless pursuit of faith and hope. It started as an introspective endeavor, deeply rooted in my reflections on life's adversities and my steadfast belief in the teachings of the Bible. This poem would become a part of a “Collection of Poems 1998 – 2013”:

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1. "As They Should Be" (1998)

   • This poem evokes the serene beauty of a shared moment, reflecting on the intimate bond between two people enveloped in a tranquil autumnal setting.

2. "Hope is a Better Day" (1999)

   • Captures the enduring power of hope, portraying the intense longing for a love that transcends the trials of everyday life.

3. "Waiting For My Son" (2000)

   • A heartfelt expression of a father's love and hopes for his child, emphasizing the bond and the dreams he holds for their future together.

4. "Last Breath" (2001)

   • Reflects on the peace and stillness found in nature, symbolizing the poet's desire for tranquility and harmony as life's final moments approach.

5. "I Am" (2013)

   • A profound exploration of the poet's struggles with loneliness, faith, and divine connection, finding solace in the enduring hope and love of a higher power.

6. "What Light" (2005)

   • Celebrates the illuminating presence of a loved one, likening them to a guiding light that brings beauty and joy into the poet's life.

7. "The Weight" (2006)

   • Contemplates the enduring nature of love and faith, finding beauty and meaning in the moments shared beneath an apple tree, despite life's challenges.

8. "Remembering the Promise" (2007)

   • Reflects on the fleeting nature of time and the importance of love and compassion, urging a life lived as a love letter to those cherished.

9. "Sambirdio" (2008)

   • A tender recollection of a beloved pet, expressing the comfort and joy found in their presence and the deep sense of loss felt in their absence.

10. "The Storm" (2009)

    • Addresses loneliness and offers solace, emphasizing the strength found in gentle yet unwavering support during difficult times.

11. "One Day" (2010)

    • Contemplates the inevitability of death and the importance of love, suggesting that without love, life would pass by unnoticed.

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These poems span from 1998 to 2013, capturing the essence of my journey through life's profound emotional landscapes, marked by love, loss, faith, and resilience. I sought to articulate themes of compassion, perseverance, and hope through adversity, motivated by my roles as an author, poet, and advocate. The poem was meant to resonate with my struggles and provide solace and understanding to others facing similar challenges. Its themes reflect a universal human experience, grounded in my faith and personal encounters with suffering and resilience.

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However, the process was neither quick nor easy. The length of time it took to complete "I Am" was a direct result of the depth of introspection and the intense emotional labor involved. Each line required revisiting painful memories and crafting words to convey the rawness of my experiences. Working nineteen-hour days often left me drained, and life’s turbulence added to the delay. A terrible divorce tore at my spirit, and a tumultuous relationship with a new wife further complicated my emotions. My difficulties were compounded by a disrespectful and stubborn son, whose behavior seemed influenced by darker forces, making the atmosphere at home even more oppressive. Personal memories and suffering would resurface, overwhelming me and forcing me to put the poem aside for months at a time.

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Throughout this process, I grappled with feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and a deep yearning for divine connection. The most challenging part was confronting these emotions head-on and translating them into poetry. Each stanza of "I Am" reflects a different facet of these struggles, from the weariness of waiting for divine comfort to the hope of finding light in moments of darkness. The poem is a testament to my journey through these emotions and my unwavering faith in finding solace through spiritual connection. One of the most difficult aspects of writing "I Am" was the vulnerability required to lay bare my soul. The act of expressing such intimate and painful experiences left me exposed, but it was a necessary step in the healing process. The challenge was not only in writing about my suffering but also in finding a balance between despair and hope, ensuring that the poem carried a message of perseverance and faith despite the adversities described.

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In 2013, I finally completed "I Am," a piece interwoven with my personal and spiritual journey. It encapsulates the essence of my struggles and reliance on faith to navigate through life's challenges. The themes of waiting for divine intervention, feeling a sense of emptiness without spiritual connection, and finding hope and purpose through faith are central to the poem. My life experiences, as documented in the outline and manuscripts, reveal a narrative of resilience. Each chapter of my life, from the roots of pain and the search for belonging to the path of redemption and the road to liberation, contributed to the depth and authenticity of "I Am." The poem reflects the emotional and spiritual growth detailed in these chapters, capturing the insights gained from my journey. The process of writing "I Am" involved delving into these insights, drawing from past pains, and finding strength in the teachings of the Bible. The poem serves as a bridge between my struggles and the universal themes of hope, compassion, and perseverance.

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The creation of "I Am" was a labor of love, born from the depths of personal suffering and spiritual seeking. It stands as a testament to the power of faith and the resilience of the human spirit. The poem is not only a reflection of my life's journey but also a source of solace and inspiration for others facing similar adversities. Through "I Am," I sought to share the transformative power of faith and the enduring hope that sustains us through life's darkest moments.

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Tyler.